Breathing Deeply……

Aw, Monday morning! A little dreary but enjoyable for my daybreak stroll.  Sorry I didn’t post yesterday as I always do but I was preoccupied!!!! I had a busy little week and it got away on me. I was trying to put together my thoughts for my blog this week but had a crazy time trying to focus!  I am all over the place at the best of times but this week seemed to be on top of me. Not really in a bad way, but none the less, on top!

Well, with every commitment I had, I had very little time to just breathe.  Last weekend I hopped on the GO train and went slightly east to my brother’s place to attend a children’s 8th and 9th Birthday party. It was a weekend affair, beginning Friday night.  Jarrod and I went to our old stomping ground “East Side Mario’s” where we had both worked about 20 years ago. Give or take a year. In fact, I was one of the original crew that helped launch the restaurant.  I was there for 5 years and filmed a documentary about our work and the personal relationships of the staff over that period of time. I still have it and it is amazing. It’s “Reality Bites” meets “Singles” meets “ThreeSome” The three movies that may have laid the foundation to my 20 something years.

It was my Bro’s B Day this week as well, so we had a toast and sipped away another year.  He started asking me how things were going, since it had been many months since we had last seen each other.  I asked him in a joke if he had not been keeping up on my blog! But of course “Not” he replied.  And then it happened. The truth started to unfurl.

My partner and I have been together going on 7 years.  Can you imagine?  And in that time I have opened up my closet to my friends and family and helped them understand and gain some acceptance to what is referred to as “My Lifestyle” and for the most part things have rolled along nicely. My parents have done there best to understand me. Although at 41 should that still matter? In fact it does. Which is why, I am still in agony about my (another family member) not knowing me.

This relative is a very conservative “Christian” I use that term lightly and I have not been able to come out to her.  Why this is so I am not sure but I just can’t bring myself to tell her. She is not interested in really knowing or she would have put two and two together years ago.  And the way she pokes around my condo, trying to read notes on the fridge and asking why John and I wear matching rings. Talking about my integrity and how people talk about us behind our backs. Which I know is not true. I know she is the only one doing all the talking.

I’m suppose to rise above it all and chalk it up as a generational thing but the truth is –  it hurts. It hurts being hunted. That is how it makes me feel. Hunted, by someone who is suppose to love me and call me her buddy. It is hard being someones buddy when they turn a blind eye to who you really are.

I hate to think it but her underlying message to me is “gays will burn in hell” Though she doesn’t exactly phrase it in that way and of course John is the deviant that led me down the garden of sin and shame.  Not the case.  I danced down that path years ago. Of course I joke but the truth is I don’t know what to do and how to handle it.  I love my (family member) but I am exhausted trying to be loved. It shouldn’t feel this difficult should it?

I am a 41 year old man in a wonderful relationship with my partner and our ever expanding family of lovely pets.  I have many wonderful friends and a city that is my pallet for me to paint on.  Yet, I feel less than and not quite a part of, when reminded on an almost weekly basis that I don’t really belong when I take the time to travel slightly east, whether physically or figuratively.

The parties were perfect and Maribeth, Jarrod’s partner organized the perfect kids celebrations! She should really start her own Children’s Party Planning business!! As I caught the GO to go back to my city. The question lingered. What am I going to to about (my relative)? And why do I care so much about it?

Breathing deeply, arriving home, I greet “MY” family with a great big smile and hugs all around!

B.

East Side Mario’s – Oshawa Center
2540-419 King Street West
Oshawa , ON
L1J 2K5
(905) 728-6000

4 kisses out of 5

My weigh in this week: 194 lbs! I’ve lost 5 pounds! Fabulous! Only 35 more to go LOL!

About Bruce in the City

I have been writing my blog since 2010. I was inspired to do so after enjoying an amazing meal with some friends of mine here in Toronto. I decided to tell everyone about my great night and the fabulous restaurant I went to and shazam my blog was born!
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One Response to Breathing Deeply……

  1. maryellen says:

    Sometimes it’s hard to be honest with those that we know will judge. But keep in mind it is only one opinion and you have a life full of people that love you for being exactly who you are!
    Congratulations on the weight loss!

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