We strolled into a bohemian drop in, on the Queen St. strip called Java House. Lot’s of sunshine out but the cold blasts of 10- gusts, makes the find that much more inviting. My buddy Jewel’s and I decide to order twin meals. One egg over easy, sausage, home fries, side salad and a never ending cup of Joe. The little server was very cute and super attentive, with just enough stand off in order for my bud and I to have some real conversation. He tells me about his brand new pad with the stunning view and I encourage him to have a spring house warming, that I will help organize of course and I enlighten him with my horror of life at Good Life and the super trainer!
My partner and I have been clients at Good Life for, somewhere around three or four years. To be honest I don’t know why really. It’s, as you know from my previous rant, that I’ve been less than impressed with the place. What happened recently I think takes the cake. “Jewel” sips his coffee and edges for me to go on.
We haven’t really had allot of success at the gym. Whether their fault or fault of our own, we know it’s time to make that change and shed some pounds. We made an appointment to see a trainer. Tall, younger than us and just enough howdy doody to get us on the track of trust. We got dressed in our basic fabulous workout wear, tank tops in complimentary blue and green and track pants just loose enough to keep us from the Y.M.C.A stereotype.
We stand before our mats. I was so excited as I just didn’t know what our new trainer was going to get us to do. “Now” he says “Get down on your knees and stretch your back.” You know the whole bend and snap, performed much better by Reece Witherspoon in Legally Blonde but we did what he said and yes there were a few snaps or two. We did a bunch of nonsense moves around the gym as we were stared at by the boys who already knew what the heck they were doing. It could have been the matching outfits but who cares.
After sweating us up just enough he takes us to his chamber to talk about how he plans to change our lives in just a few short months. Work out here. Don’t eat there. Run here. Steam there. He went on to describe how dysfunctional our lives must be to not have acheieved our goals in the past and that he was all we needed for total fitness freedom.
The all day breakfast arrives and I pause my story long enough to dip my toast in my perfectly running egg. It was perfect to order and my pals seemed to be the same. Lovely, now back to the my tale. So it’s so funny you know he has all these sheets and scales and has us even stand on one. He should have had us stand on it at the same time and divide by two. That seemed to be the way he was working out his price tang.
He talked a good talk, resighting from script the way to eternal glory. We ate it up like an “Eggs Florentine” He was dreamy, creamy, and leany and he had us at Hello! He had a program fit for Oprah and we new without a shadow of the night that this was our man. Can you believe it?
I sipped my third cup of Joe and couldn’t help but notice the couple eve’s dropping on my story. Maybe it was me getting all fired up from my caffeine diet and anti anxiety pills but I just smiled and asked if they would like it in writing?
As the super trainer tabulated up the pecunious outlay required, our jaws hit the floor like two unemployed street walkers that had finally received there E.I. He looked up and with a grin as vile as the Grinch himself explained “Well gentlemen, with the 4 days a week, the one on one attention from me (does it come with a happy ending?) and the continuous fast and slow of my perfect program your looking at achieving all your goals in no later than 8 months, and you can do all this for the exceptional price, and I’m throwing in the couple rate because we are so queer friendly, your only looking at $16000!” “Don’t you just love me?” He said with a tear in his eye.
So John barfed and I got stuck holding his hair but one thing we knew for sure. That super trainer was going to have to make his big commission from a couple of other suckers! Because we don’t suck for know one!
As Jewels and I finished up our breakfast at this cool little spot on Queen, I thought to myself ” Wow all this for under twenty bucks and I think I’ll take the stairs when I get home.”
4.5 kisses out of 5
537 Queen St W
Toronto, ON M5V 2B6
Neighbourhood: Queen Street West