My friend Odalys thinks that drama follows me wherever I go. Which is perfect I suppose for a guy like me who loves to write about the mundane of breathing in and out. It helps to pass the time before the inevitable. Most of the time the tales I tell follow your basic format, beginning, middle and end but this week was so bizarre. It seemed as though I was always smack in the middle of “Random Acts of Crazy”. For those of you who need a beginning, middle and end maybe my blog today is not for you. I will however try to find some lesson from the bizarre week I had.
Random Acts of Crazy Prt 1
While at work I decide we need a tea kettle. What place of business doesn’t have a tea kettle in the staff room, I ask myself and so I head off to Sears for a new Black and Decker! I love browsing the small appliance department. I don’t know why really. I think it’s kinda sexy. All those gadgets. All in the pursuit of pleasure. There is only one other shop I get the same sensation. I cruise the isles looking for just the right kettle and with the mu-sac in the background, I am lightly comforted and calm. Then from behind me I hear, in a strong, stern voice “How much is dis?” I didn’t look and continued my search for my appliance. “How much is dis?” I have a little peak behind me. It’s an old greying Muslim man with covered wife lagging behind. I only mention “Muslim” for description only and in no way am I implying that what is about to happen, is a Muslim behaviour. Though I don’t know many Muslims so I can’t say for sure!
I answer him realizing he is asking me for the price of something. “Oh I’m sorry I don’t know.” He asks me again, following me down he isle. “How much IS DIS??” He was annoyed. I was becoming annoyed. “I don’t know! I don’t work here.”….”You have a Sears badge on, you work for Sears!!!”….”No I don’t and no it isn’t!”……”You help me, what is price, you give me price!” Finger pointing to me accusing….. “Look I don’t work here leave me alone!!!” You have a Sears badge on you help me, you work for Sears,!!!”….. My heart is racing as I am accosted by this man! “Look you crazy man, I don’t work here! This is not a Sears badge!!! Leave me the freak alone!” He didn’t believe me! he continued to follow me! Can you imagine! Drama! By this time we were heading down the escalator together as he followed me through the store down through the cosmetic department. I had to jog away from him to regain my sense of freedom. I never did get my tea kettle that day.
Random Acts of Crazy Prt 2
I stopped at East York Town Center, this week. I needed a few very boring grocery items. Not even important enough to mention. As it goes I have to visit the boys room. I am not a fan of public washrooms, being a bit of a germaphobe. I cautiously enter my own cubicle to do my business. As I am starring at the black door in front of me, I hear snap, snap! My brow turns inward. I didn’t realize there was someone else in the next stall. It’s larger for a wheelchair and the toilet is at the far end of the space. Which is good. I hate seeing the shoes of my neighbour!
A moment passes and I hear it again, snap, snap! Accompanied by a small man moan. OK, a bit odd but I ignore and complete my earthly duties. As I am leaving my stall, I look towards the stall beside!!! OK brace yourself. The crazy Man Bear in the next stall has the door cracked open, pants to his knees, showing some girlie panties, snapping the waist band and saying “Come see my panties!!!!!!” Holy flaming gay hell! I laugh my head off! I am in shock! My eyes had been raped. I never did get my groceries that day!
Random Acts of Crazy Prt 3
My boss is fabulous! I am so lucky! We talk shop most of the time but once in a while we break out in more personal conversation. One day this week we got talking diet and weight loss. It’s a preoccupation for me. I know! Typical! What is it with the gays and their weight? So as we chat I am telling her about a very cool website that helps you keep track of your exercise, food intake and tells you when you are over doing it. It’s a new thing for me and so I’m sharing my genuine enthusiasm. This when she leans over to me. she begins to whisper sort of like she is about to tell a dirty joke. “Do you want to know the ballerina secrete to loosing weight?” Of course any hidden secrets are welcome so I say in my sneakiest boy voice. “Yes.”
“Don’t eat after 6pm and take a cucumber to bed with you.” She grins. I’m delighted. Permission to be bad in bed! Who knew eating, a cucumber just before you sleep helps your body burn calories!! Crazy! I have lost four pounds! Cucumbers have quickly become my dirty little secrete. “For dieting, behave people!!!” “Behave!”
Maybe Odalys was right. I should give her a call. I’m sure she would love to know just what follies I have been getting myself into lately.
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