Posted by Bruce on October 30, 2011
Holiday Stories

As I gaze into my crystal balls, I travel back. Back to the year 1977. I am but a wee lad of 6 and my mind is on “It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown, Star Wars and the Japanese films like Godzilla”. I was living on a little street below the tracks called Court, in Oshawa. I wasn’t yet taking my weekend treks to Toronto – that was still a few years away. But, that same year, the theatre, known as the Golden Classics was one of many Chinese movie houses on the Spadina strip in Toronto. It specialized in Kung-Fu films, specifically those from the Golden Harvest production studio. The Golden Classics was a cinema from the late ‘70s to the early ‘90s until it was no longer able to keep its “pants up”.

After many years and several attempts to pull up it’s knickers from its ankles – they were still on the floor.

Finally, three friends got together with a vision and “The Toronto Underground Cinema” was born.

Time warp to October 28th, 2011, and another three friends got together with a different vision! Smoke a big fatty and head out to catch a delectable double header of “Repo” and “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”. Whether that fatty was actually smoked is in question … But, two out of three of us definitely ended up with blue dicks. Alex, John and I stood in line and waited for the Great Pumpkin! But, it never rose! Instead, we were ushered into the lower bowels of a darkened theater, decorated with posters of old “B” movies, the smell of butter and camp….

We walked down the long winding staircase, past Tramps, Vamps and TVs – and, I’m not talking Sony, honey! Our eyes bugged out like we had conjunctivitis! The doors of the theater creaked open and the ushers dressed in short shorts and top hats ominously gestured us to enter into the land of no repentance! The lights were low and the stage was set. What I didn’t know was that this would be the strangest, most incredible and weirdest film viewing of my life so far. A woman at stage left was fearlessly calling for all virgins to come down to the stage to give their name and stats…. I dared not go, as I feared for my mortal soul!! John and Alex braved the beast and went quickly to give their names and news!!! I was too shy! I do have my shy moments you know!

The lights lowered and I knew right then and there that we were not in Kansas anymore. The audience started yelling, the music began and the whole room was in sync as Janet and Brad began singing! Chants of Slut and Asshole shrilled through the dark theater! What happens at “Rocky” stays at “Rocky”.

We were overwhelmed with evil’s delight. What a way to ring in the Halloween weekend! The dancing! The chanting! The dancing girls! The nearly naked boys!!!! What the heck had I gotten myself into? I do have to say I felt so badly for the poor guy playing “Rocky”. As he danced around the stage, in a very small gold thong, he lost a bit of left nuttage as it popped out for all to enjoy! How impressive it was, the production I mean! I highly recommend going to see this insane piece of work! Seriously, not for the faint of heart!!! Which is why I start therapy early next week!

“Toucha, toucha, toucha, touch me – I want to be DIRTY!!!” Oh sorry, it’s been happening all morning. The songs just come blurting out like an unwanted belch. I do hope to return to my more delicate self by noon today…. but time will tell.

Thanks Alex, our Romanian friend, for the suggestion to go to see this infraction! John and I may never recover! Giggles – join us next month!

Seriously, if you want to join us, email me at  !!! We’ll make it Bruce’s next “In The City” event!!

5 very wet kisses out of 5!!!!

Happy Halloweeny!!!!!

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