Squirt! Bam! Splat! Bang!

Posted by Bruce on February 02, 2014

Before I begin my rant for this week or whatever this blog will turn out to be I want to thank everyone who pops in now and again to respond to my blog. I may not agree with you at times but I do respect your thoughts and certainly am honoured you decided to stop by. In saying that I am just going to pretend Winter has come and gone! Seriously I just can’t deal with this shit snow anymore. Can you?

I know I am fabulous at changing the subject! I had a weird week last week. It wasn’t bad really but the oddest things kept happening to me.  For instance. The other night I had been invited to some friends and I offered to bring a classic movie. I had yet to see them for Christmas so I had a few things to take over for them to mark the long past occasion. PS: This year I may not celebrate! But anyway my partner and I made our way to the bus stop to wait for our extra large stinky limo to show up.  Did I mention what the movie was? Batman, with Adam West!!!

I know. Fabulous. Two hours of watching the original men in tights!  I’m heading out to the bus stop when this little guy points across the road and murmurs something to me.  Since I live in a state of annoyance his murmuring irritates me and I ask him to speak up. He said something about something over there and it fell and I don’t know I couldn’t here him through the on coming bus from the other side of the street.

“You dropped something over there on the other side of the street!” he said. Aw hells fire!!! There it was my Batman movie laying on the side of the road. My whole life slowed down like a recap of a Super Bowl play.  I yelled “NO” and then the sound of death “CRUNCH” Oh crap! F^&%K!!! S*&^T! I ran across the street to discover my now dead DVD of the classic movie Batman with Adam West now road kill on the side of the road at my not so sunny Sunny Glenway!

I was so mad I kicked it down the street. I kinda cried a little. I mean come one it was Bat freakin Man! I went back across the road to where my bus would be coming and there he was, my partner, laughing his head off. I so wanted to Bam! Slam! Crash! Bang! His ass off. Well not bang his ass but kick it for sure! I even glared at the poor guy who tried to tell me but could he not have tried harder to tell me instead of a whisper and a point! I mean if I knew his dog or cat or friend was about to get hit by a bus I would be like “Hey your friend is about to get hit by a bus!”

I know. Ungrateful. I did thank him for trying. I did. And I was really trying to come to terms with the fact that I just saw my unopened classic Batman starring Adam West get literally crushed by the 100 bus going west!!! Going west….. argh!

Ok so now we are on our way to the boys and we have no movie. Thank God one of their gifts was a Blu Ray. Thank God for his tender mercies. Sorry I am re-reading “Good Christian Bitches” and it’s rubbing off.

I have to admit about 5 minutes into the bus ride I started to accept the humour that was my DVD’s misfortune and I laughed my head off and punch my partner in the arm.

That was bus ride number one. Now fast forward to the next morning. I am on the 100 bus going west. The night before I was going east. Anyway, I’m heading west and around heading back west to get to work. I don’t know it’s a weird bus route. West, then a bit north and then a lot west.   Anyway, I have this berry flavoured water I had left in the freezer the night before so of course it was frozen and I was thirsty. I decided to crack it open and try to take swig from my frozen bottle of berry water when splash!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All over everyone. literally all over everyone. Oh my God. I just squirted a bus full of Toronto people with Presidents Choice berry water. I was about to be so screwed. I just blurted out “Oh My God! I’m so sorry.” It was like everyone was frozen looking right at me. Frozen and wet.

I hit the bell and slowly removed myself from my seat as the people on the bus glared at me like a piece of non Hala meat.  I moved slowly to the door my eyes looking right then left then right again.  Who was going to drop kick me? Who was going to…. Oh my God I feel like laughing…. I feel like laughing! Oh my God I am so holding in the laughter and I’m shaking my head a bit and holding in the laughter. I am a bad man. I am 10 years old and I want to laugh. Doesn’t anyone think that for just a brief moment that this could be funny??

I need to get off this bus! We are stuck in traffic and I need to get off this bus! God please don’t make me laugh because if I laugh these people of a thousand scary faces are going to use my skin to make a quilt for the needy and maybe even give it to Good Will where they will certainly over charge for it and then come up with some lame excuse why that’s ok!!

Just when I think I am about to lose face,the door of the bus opens and I step out into the last of my dignity.  I dared to look back onto the bus as it drove away and one girl about 12 years old began to laugh…. and so did I.




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