Today is one of those days, as I sit here at my table, the winter light has not yet come into view, that my mind is in a state of wonder. Not the wonder like in “walking in a winter wonderland” but slightly more foreboding. You see, I decided earlier this morning that I was going to accept that a friendship, I have been holding onto so tightly, has actually ended.. It wasn’t easy getting to this acceptance and I have spent many days and even years ignoring the signs. The signs that were telling me it was over.
As you know I am writing a book. I have been collecting my tales and hope to share them with you in a novel. The story I’m writing isn’t about me so much as it is about love, loss, growing and friendship. I think if I have learned anything in the last two years of writing and in the 41 years of living, is that in all of these love affairs we find ourselves in, I think what we are all really looking for is a friend. Don’t get me wrong we all have friends, don’t we? But as life would have it, they do come and go. Life changes whether we like it or not and there comes that moment when a friendship goes.
Somehow as we get older these love affairs we have, is our hope that we can hold onto a friendship that will not fade away with time. That we, no matter what can always come home to that one person we can share our every hope, thought, tear and laugh with and because we have now called ourselves a couple and because we are in love the friendship is marked somehow protected from the onslaught of life and all it’s impending changes.
I was in love. I have been in love a few times. At least it is what I believed. How many times have you been in love? What was it you were truly looking for. I believe it’s friendship. Look at “Old” people. Once the looks have faded and the body has sagged, what is it they really wanted from life? To have that one person they could call lover, “Friend” When we are young, we think it’s all about fire and heat and sex and skin but deep down in the emotional places we hate to admit, it really is simple, be My friend, please accept and love Me.
All the other noise is just us trying to achieve this. And sometimes in life, you just have to say goodbye. Your dreams of what you always hoped that friendship could be had it’s moment. It had it’s laughter it’s tears. It had it’s promises and it’s disappointments but in the end the friendship needs to remain honest and true. Sometimes the truth is the friendship has ended. No fowl, no blame. The friendship like a living being has left and it can take a great part of you with it.
I said goodbye to a friendship that left. It got too busy to notice me. It got to removed that I could not call it back any longer and it never noticed and that is that. Sometimes that friendship is just an ugly sweater but it dosn’t think of itself that way. Sort of like those Holiday sweaters people wear. There ugly but there worn, at least for a season or two. They do eventually get put away, until one day many years up the road it’s asked “What ever happened to that wonderfully ugly holiday sweater?”
(I will always love that sweater but I just have to listen when it tells me it just doesn’t fit anymore.)
Bruce in the City
Both Sides Now- Joni Mitchell